Loving Family and Friends: 

Tending & Befriending

This is a personal post that celebrates the fact the four Seivert Siblings all have birthdays within one month of each other (from 2/18 to 3/17). We are, from left to right: Dorothy, Irene, me, and Tom on vacation this past summer. 

This is the month in which we celebrate how lucky we are to have been born into the same family.  My siblings are truly wonderful people whom I admire greatly. Through the years we have helped each other relieve both major and minor stresses that come with the major and minor life crises we have shared. (We also have occasionally caused each other stress, but we won't go there now :-) 

Over the years, I feel we have taken very good care of each other--and I want to acknowledge how much I love them and how grateful I am to have them in my life. I also want to celebrate that, in addition to my great siblings, I am  blessed with many wonderful extended family members such as my parent's siblings (my aunts and uncles), and terrific cousins, in-laws, nieces & nephews. 

Actively caring for each other is a great SOS technique. In fact, researchers now indicate that Tending and Befriending is a highly effective stress reliever that is used throughout the human and animal kingdom. As it turns out, it is an excellent alternative to the much more well-known survival stress responses of "Fight or Flight".  In sharp contrast to the often  harmful harmful health effects of over-relying on Fight or Flight, Tending and Befriending has many positive, long-lasting health benefits (see below).

SOS #55: Tend and Befriend

(3-4 minutes)

One of the greatest stress relievers known to humanity is to care for and spend time with the people you love. Tending is when you do nurturing activities, such as caring for offspring or someone who is injured: protecting them, feeding them, ensuring their safety and wellbeing, and reducing their distress. Befriending is when you create and maintain friendships and family relationships, forming strong social networks that perform many of the same functions as tending.  Animal and human studies suggests that reproductive hormones may be at the core of this powerful alternate response to stress.

Here are some ways Tending works as an SOS activity. Let’s say you get home from work, and then put your concerns aside for a few moments as you listen attentively to your child’s excited stories from the day. (Poof! In just a couple minutes, whatever stressed you is forgotten.)  Befriending relieves your stress similarly--for example, when you reach out to be with good friends, call a sibling, and/or send notes to members of your personal, professional or social communities. It only takes a few minutes to pick up the phone, connect via Skype, FaceTime, or by texting or emailing a friend or family member. You can also drop by a favorite colleague’s desk or a neighbor’s home and arrange to meet for lunch, supper, coffee, or a healthy walk. (Again, poof—your stressors are replaced by the good feelings that come from tending and befriending.)

Tending and befriending can be used to help you build and expand strong communities—whether family (I just attended an uncle's birthday party via Skype), professional (I meet regularly with colleagues and clients via GHO), neighborhood, nation, or world. Tending and befriending is an SOS technique that reduces not just your own, but also many other peoples’ stress by preventing social isolation.  And social isolation, as we’re only now learning, is a major health hazard. indeed, scientists now argue that the health risks from loneliness are greater than those from smoking or obesity! 

In sharp contrast, a meta-analysis of 148 studies showed that people with strong social systems (those who tend & befriend) have a 50% greater likelihood of survival of their medical problems! This extraordinary mental and physical health phenomenon was consistent across age, gender, initial health status, pre-existing conditions and other factors. 

As it turns out, tending and befriending are great survival tools for you and all those you love.  So don't waste another minute -- reach out to tend and befriend someone! It will make your stress AND theirs go away (Poof!)

Learn more about SOS #55

Historically, the primary human stress response has been characterized, both physiologically and behaviorally, as "fight-or-flight."  But we do have other choices: we can also respond to distress by "Tending and Befriending". 

Tending involves nurturing activities designed to protect the self and offspring that promote safety and reduce distress. Befriending is the creation and maintenance of social networks that may aid in this process. The bio-behavioral mechanism that underlies the tend-and-befriend pattern draws on the attachment-caregiving system. Neuroendocrine evidence from animal and human studies suggests that oxytocin, in conjunction with reproductive hormones may be at its core. This previously unexplored stress regulatory system has many implications for curing much of the stress that is rampant around the world.

Unfortunately, many people are underdeveloped in our tending and befriending survival strategy. In fact, in the past three decades the percentage of individuals who consider themselves lonely in the US has risen from 20% to a whopping 40%!  The health risks from loneliness are significant: people who feel lonely are more likely to have an impaired immune system and untreated mental health issues (which in turn can cause the kinds of violent outbursts that turn into headline news). People who are socially isolated recover more slowly from surgery, and have greater risks of inflammation, heart disease, and premature death. 

Note: Social isolation is reduced only by real human contact. No matter how many Facebook “friends”, Linked In connections, or Twitter followers you have, you can suffer from social isolation. Tending and Befriending is a low-tech SOS strategy AND an incredibly powerful one. It shows that, in very real ways, when you reach out and welcome someone into your life, your social circle, or your neighborhood, you are helping to heal yourself, them, and the world.

COMING SOON:

I will be sending you a birthday gift sometime in my birthday month--a new audio meditation  that was suggested to me (actually demanded of me) by an enthusiastic client.  Consider it a thank you to my entire community of extended family, friends, clients, colleagues, and readers for the many ways you've tended and befriended me over the years.

GOOD LUCK!!

If you want to tend to those you love by providing them some stress-relief, go here to purchase SOS: Switch Off Stress (only $8.99 for this 258-page-equivalent "evaBook"). You can also read more about the value SOS can offer you and all those you love.

You may also want to give people you care about The Balancing Act, which is the foundational work upon which SOS is built.  Learn all about TBA here. (It's available in both print and eBook versions.)

And here's a link for a Free Kindle App so you can read SOS or TBA on any PC, MAC, tablet, or smart phone.